Fuck everything


I don’t even know how to begin this. I’m angry I’m sad I’m hurt and I’m confused.

I’m back at school and I’m doing two things I know I should not be. For the first thing I am struggling so hard and my eating disorder is screaming at me. And the second thing that sucks is I don’t have the courage to tell anybody about it. This is so odd for me because I’m so used to saying everything that is on my mind. But I pride myself in that I am the person who although I am an atheist, I try to give respect to all religious beliefs. But today apparently I’m just a bitch. Because I told off a girl for talking about the Bible. That is so not me that is Sarah when she is Hellas stressed. I mean I apologize but I don’t really think she forgave me.

And I purged..,the purging until you see stomach acid purge. And now I just want to go back into my eating center where it’s comfortable. I’m so torn because half of the reason why I am so uncomfortable because I’ve been gone because my eating disorder. But then there’s another part of me that wants anorexia back so I can feel comfortable again.

I have support here too. I have people that I can talk to. But I’m shutting them out and only my shutting them out I’m shutting down in the process. With every hour I’m getting more and more isolated I feel more and more anxious and this is horrible

I’m starting to believe that I wasn’t ready for this change. It’s so embarrassing because every interest to call my parents and tell them that I can’t do this. But then I failed AGAIN



2 responses »

  1. I love you, Sarah. You’re not failing, I promise you are not failing. Please call your parents and reach out for help, because deep down you probably know you need it. Don’t start a semester if you think it is just going to go like it did in January. If you feel yourself slipping, tell someone. No sense in doing it all over again, even though I know you miss Shiba so much 😉 You are so very strong my friend, my beautiful and amazing friend. Find the courage that is in you because there is so much. Use what you’ve learned and speak up. Please don’t be embarassed to be where you are at in your life, this is YOUR life, live it at YOUR PACE. I love you friend.

    Make good choices. ❤

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