I have come to the conclusion that if you have never suffered from a eating disorder or refuse to educate yourself I most likely hate you. I have been done the past few days and I’ve known why but I have been too ashamed to admit it.
In recovery, you have to learn that people don’t know what to say. You would think if you don’t know what to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all but I suppose most people didnt get the email. Also, people don’t realize that when you are around someone who is recovering from an eating disorder you should sensor the diet talk or shaming your body (or someone else’s). These topics of conversation are very sensitive to me because in all honesty, all I want to do is diet and restrict but I can’t. Every day, every meal and every moment after Anorexia is always on my mind. My mind is in a constant battle between to eat or not to eat and each day I have to fight to be in recovery. This shit is not easy and there are days when the lies of my eating disorder sound more convincing than the reality of recovery.
So, as you know, I am back at school and I have gotten a flood of fuckery thrown directly and indirectly at me. Today I had to listen to my staff members take about skinny girls and dieting to see bones, I silently listen to another colleague talk about her daily work out routine and I have had to listen to girls talk about me in the bathroom. Fucking sucks.
But what really got me into a funk was when I went to the weight loss center that was basically my home. I know, I know, going was a bad decision. But here was my logic on going in there, I was too anxious to have a meal and they serve meal replacement shakes, I knew I had to get nutrients and I figured that I would get a shake to give me what I needed and not restrict. I spent all my time there last year and most of my pay check went to the diet pills they sold. Everyone in that store knows who I am, but walking in there I didnt realize that they knew where I had been.
I don’t know why this shocked me. I mean, everyone here knows but I never made a point to tell them. Anyways, I walk in there and the whole store was like “SARAH! You’re back!! You look so good!!” etc, etc. Naturally, my first thought is that they mean I am fat and I look plumper. They were so excited, they took pictures with me and sent it to all the employees that weren’t there and they were talking about all their new weight loss products and all this shit. Then they said the worst possible thing to me
“Sarah, you need to come here more often and learn how to lose weight the right way & once you do that, you can be a weight loss coach. I am sure you have some great tips!”
Lose weight the right way? What does that even mean? I write this to you in tears because for the first time someone who saw me at my sickest basically told me that the weight I am at now is not worthy enough for them and I need to go back to dieting. Not Anorexia, but “the right way”.
I was, and still am, devastated. It’s one thing to have to accept the recovery weight that I am now but it’s a whole another ball game when you are indirectly told the a job is waiting on me once I shed a fews pounds.
First off, just from a logically persons perspective why the FUCK would you hire someone with anorexia purge subtype to work for your weight loss campaign. If you are striving to give people a healthier lifestyle, I am pretty sure their coach shouldn’t be teaching them how to kill themselves.
And youre calling this tips? Like I just have a checklist of how to lose weight and this is not a disorder. I can teach you how to purge and drive, how to starve yourself for days, how to manipulate and lose everything and everyone, I can show you were to find ipecac and I can teach you how to hate every inch of yourself.
I can make every meal a challenge. When someone hands you a plate or when a restaurant gives you a fear food,I can make you feel like those people are trying to ruin your life and how everything would be better if you just shut everyone out. As your weight loss coach, I can show you what hell looks like.
Of course, once I lose weight the right way.
I know it is a distortion but I am so ashamed of who I am and my body right now. I am having multiple panic attacks daily but I am ashamed to ask for help, I am ashamed to be around people and I am ashamed to even look presentable because now I feel like I have to hide behind baggy clothes so people won’t have to look at me.
Although this has made shit a lot worse, I am working even harder in recovery even though I mentally feel at my worst. I ate three meals today and a dessert and I have sat through all of my urges to purge. It’s hard as fuck but I won’t give up yet.
Fuck you weight loss place and fuck you people without eating disorders. Stop ruining my days with your bullshit.