I want to purge so fucking bad right now. My whole day has been nonstop treatment and work and I completely missed lunch today. I wish that I could say that it was because I was so busy, but in all honestly I purposely missed lunch
And what sucks in recovery is when you have a setback getting back on track is the hardest feeling ever. I just had dinner and my school’s cafeteria and I couldn’t even finish my plate. I tried to follow my meal plan because when in doubt stick to your meal plan. But instead I could only eat half of my plate and I was dumb enough to get a diet soda with it so now I’m just sitting in my room dying to purge. If you understand what purging feels like and that anxiety before you purge you can literally taste the purging your mouth and all you have to do or for me please all I have to do is bend over and it just happens.
But this is so frustrating. I’m just so ready for this week to be over I am so ready for me to get into a routine and I’m so ready to feel more confident in my recovery.
But right now all I want to do is purge. All I want to do is go into my bathroom shut my door play some music and just purged everything. I want to purge all of the negative court believes that I’m feeling I want to purge all of the deep therapy sessions that I’ve had all day and I want to purge all of my stress towards people. But as of right now I’m fighting through it. I just don’t want to go back to where was last year. And I know that living on fear is what can hold my eating disorder so strong. But I have to keep going I can’t purge can’t do it, I’ve had to sit through this.
Lord beer me strength