Not today, Satan, Not today

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I have heard the stories of the woman who tried to starve but got too hungry. I could write chapters of those who stuck their fingers down their throat but instead walked away. I have looked in the faces of people who said they’ve tried but Anorexia but couldn’t go through with it. I never attempted to have an eating disorder, I never dreamed of having an eating disorder and I never could just turn my back and ‘be normal’. It just happened.

Anorexia is more than a criteria that you fit in.  It is not some checklist that boils down to “Do you think you are fat?” “Are you 50 pounds?” and “Does celebrities influence you to do this?” It’s more than a fad diet, it’s more than your reflection, it’s more than anything that a Dr Phil special can tell you. It’s so much more because all you want to be is so much less. 

Have you spent hours running your fingers over your body hoping that the valleys between your bones are sunken in? Or used your hands as a measuring tool to check and see if that one slice of wheat bread you had made a difference? Please, enlighten me on how you would look at a child’s body and be envious of how they look because their small bodies represent an innocence that you’ve never felt. 

Did you hope that between the gap in your thighs would allow people to see right through you? Thin was never a bathing suit goal and thin was never a pair a skinny jeans and zero was never a size, it was what you wanted to be. Zero isn’t a number, it literally translates to nothing and when you skipped that one meal or when you ‘tried’ to be anorexic, tell me, was your purpose to be nothing? Because the idea that you could be something seemed like such an ugly lie that no matter what people told you, you couldn’t believe it.

Have you hoped that with each pound that you lose you would lose a bit of yourself with it? Did you carry so much shame, guilt, anger and pain that you felt as though it stuck to you. Fat wasn’t just a BMI chart or a plus size store because eating disorders aren’t that simple. Fat was all of the feelings that stuck to you and you truly believed that with the less body fat you have, the less that you would have to feel and the less people would have to see. 

You tell me about how you skipped a meal because you wanted to fit into a damn dress or look good for your high school reunion and say it was your eating disorder when my disorder starved so I could fit into a smaller casket. There was no dress that flattered me, there was no date that wanted me and there was never a time when I wanted to be around groups of people that once knew me because I knew myself, and I knew that with who I am and with my body, my presence, no matter what the gown, would be worth it. 

And that one purge that allows you to relate to me? Tell me, did you miss a memory because of it? Did you miss birthdays, holidays, or friends because you tried that one time? When you look at pictures can you tell what was actually going on or is all you see is how you purged after that picture or how your cheeks were swollen? Has someone ever made you a meal in hopes to make you feel loved or special and the thought of someone having positive emotions upset you so much that you wanted to prove them wrong. So you purged their love and your purged their good intentions because nothing else mattered. When it came down to it, nothing but purging ever fucking mattered. 

Stop pretending to have something. Stop wanting this. Stop googling pro ana and applying these tips and tricks to your daily life. Stop carrying around a pocket DSM and telling people about your eating disorder. Because what you are doing when you say that you have/had an ED to get attention or talking about your skipped me is helping carry on a stigma that this is not a disorder but a choice. Because if you say that you could stop, then why can’t everyone else? Acknowledge that this is a DISORDER that controls and ruins your life. It is not skipping a meal to be thin it is trying to eat nothing so you can be nothing.   I am working my fucking ass off every day, I am fighting urges telling me that without my eating disorder, I have no identity. I am silenced by your stories because with the picture of anorexia you are painting, i was never sick enough to meet your standards. If you want it so bad, you can take it from me. Have it. Please, give me your address and I will mail my ED to you for keeps. I’ll even pay shipping. 

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4 responses »

  1. Reblogged this on Let Go, Let Grow and commented:
    This might have been the greatest post I’ve ever read and I feel pretty honored to be best friends with the author. This post is 100% spot on. “Have you spent hours running your fingers over your body hoping that the valleys between your bones are sunken in?” If that doesn’t give you chills, if that doesn’t explain to you how intense this disorder is, I don’t know what will. Actually, how about this, “when my disorder starved so I could fit into a smaller casket. ” I used my eating disorder to shrink my body and I was terrified that the mortician wouldn’t find me attractive. I was so scared that I would look fat in my casket. Please read Sarah’s entire post, because this is by far the best article I’ve ever read on eating disorders. Well done, Sarah, well done.

  2. Everything in this post captured what an eating disorder really is like and the part where you mentioned someone thinking they can relate to you just because they have only purged that one time spoke to me the most. I agree an ED is not a dress size, that tiny skinny jean, a bikini or size zero it’s something much much more than that.

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