I feel very lonely here. I’ve been in a treatment setting since December so I’ve been around people with eating disorders for so long. The more I am here the more I am realizing that I am part of the 1% of people. Most of my peers have never starved, purged or binged in their whole life and cannot relate to me.
I am trying to find who I am in recovery and it’s hard to do that with a small handful of friends. I have my eating disorder and missing a semester to blame on that one. The friends I lost because of isolation and the friends that live off campus makes me alone a majority of the time. It’s thrilling. I know this is distorted but with my eating disorder, at least I had a purpose and someone/thing that was always there. Like I planned my days out, not being with people wasn’t as lonely because I was terrified to be around them and I had a goal in mind. I feel invisible here and I feel like I have to present myself as this perfect little recovery warrior when people ask if I am alright. I feel like I’m not special or something because, another distortion, my eating disorder was the only thing I was good at. (distortion BUT that’s a core belief that I am challenging) The past three years of my life, I have been so dependent on other people and now that I am back, I am terrified that if I tell them that I am struggling because what if they are done with me always having a problem? What if they have to step away? And it’s not as if I don’t trust these people, I just don’t trust myself telling them. I am (self inflicting) doing this all by myself and it sucks. I wish I could be as better as people think I should be.
Because I do struggle. I do have a large majority of daily successes but there are moments when I just want to tell someone “Can you sit with me, I’m struggling” or “I can’t do that yet.” or “I don’t know what I’m doing” but instead when people ask I just say that I am ok. I’m doing great. Everything is fine. I just don’t want people to think that I am the same girl I was 8 months ago because I am not but I don’t want people to think I am fixed. I want trust myself with having someone to sit with, I want to trust myself to have someone talk to here, I want truly believe that my symptoms or life fuckery is not a way to pass me off.
And some days I don’t. Some meals are easy. I had a piece of cake today. That’s a HUGE DEAL and I feel fine mentally and physically. I wish I could share that with someone here because if I was in treatment, it’d be viewed as a big step and I’d probably get a hot drink. These huge milestones for my recovery and I don’t tell people because once again, I don’t want to bother them. It’s weird because on one hand I want to be normal and on the other, I want my recovery and my struggles to be acknowledged.
But the reality is there is 1%-5% of people in this country, let alone this campus, that can relate. People see cake as cake. People see purge as vomit and laxatives as disgusting. People see Anorexia with bones and nothing less. Very few people have lenses like mine and it’s fucking lonely.
I have tried so hard this year to get back to where I am right at this moment but now I am missing the comfort zone of treatment. Nobody wants to feel alone, no matter what the circumstances. I have to trust that I am where I need to be and doing everything I can do to keep moving on with my recovery.
It’d be nice if I just had a recovery friend here.
(Please, readers who have my number, don’t lose your shit and text me. I realize the distortions in this post and although I don’t feel like I have an identity without my eating disorder, I am more than fucking willing to continue on recovery because I don’t want to live January 19, 2014 twice. Hell to the no )