Eating Disorders are weird as hell. As I’ve said numerous times, there are moments that I can go into a snack or meal fearless but then there are times like right now where the fact that I am hungry has spiriled me into a full anxiety attack.
I wish my life were some disney movie where there was a talking tree or magical fairy to solve my problems. It’d be a lot easier than the realization that you have to be your own super hero. I wish I could free myself from this cage that I locked myself in that doesnt allow me to ask for help. I mean, all Cinderella had to do was fucking cry and this bitch shows up, decks her out in new clothes and fixes shit. I’m crying, can’t someone magically sense my tears and save me?
I make this assumption in my head that if I dont know how someone can help me, I wont ask. It’s stupid because logically I know that I could text at least 2 people and say “Hey, I need you. I dont know what’s going on, I dont know what to do, I dont expect you to know either but I just fucking need you.” and they’d be here. But, in my head, I justify not doing that because I feel like they will be angry or annoyed that I bothered them.
I am on the verge of breaking down and giving up. It’s like I’ve been given all these tools of recovery, how to ask for help, how to manange and sit through things but lately none of it makes sense and I dont feel safe. My mind is going insane. And it’s like I give myself things to do to distract myself but the moment I feel hunger, it’s like BAM! A flood of emotions and anxiety overwhelm me. I’m sitting here at my desk, hungry and terrified to eat something. When I went on my last round, I was battling between going to the vending machine to either get a diet soda or a bag of chips but the thought of someone seeing me near food would just make me feel so shameful and out of control.
So talking tree or fairy godmother, if you want to show yourself and be sit with me that’d be great. Because I need you, I dont know what’s going on, and I need to hear that I’m ok.
You can also make me new clothes and sing songs about your magic abilities. No pressure