Anxiety Fades, Awesomeness is Forever

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Today has been an insanely emotional day. I have these days every once and awhile where I sob when I look in the mirror and the idea of food gives me so much anxiety that it literally takes my breath away. I don’t want to future trip here, but today was not my last bad day. I will have days like this again, I will have days that I will think that I am destined for a relapse and I will have days where I truly believe the world will be better without me. I struggle from mental illness so these things are evitable.

However, I always seem to focus on all the bad. Yes, I am having major setbacks and yes, I may be on the verge of fuckery BUT it is not fair to completely ignore the fact that I did some pretty incredible recovery stuff this week, including today. So put on your celebration hats and get out the balloons because it’s that special time where I celebrate my recovery wins.

  • I ate fast food this week and did not purge it
  • Although my purging percentage did go up a lot, there were times when I wanted to purge and I did not.
  • I woke up early on purpose a few times to eat breakfast.
  • Today, even though every inch of my body was telling me not to eat I went and I got a sandwich.
  • I ate 100% of that sandwich through tears and refused to give up
  • I ate the sandwich without rituals
  • I did not purge the sandwich
  • Last night I purged and I could tell I did some damage. My heart was racing, body shakes, dizziness, numbness, and I knew that I needed to get some electrolytes so I drank a Gatorade. Which, may I point out, is a drink with calories. No bullshit, that’s maybe the first time in over a year that I voluntarily made that choice. That’s a HUGE DEAL
  • I am currently sitting through a lot of anxiety which is largely caused by my setbacks but hey, I am not numbing out right now
  • I set boundaries with a friend today and I was firm in what I said without caring what her response was. I put me first.
  • I ate food that I couldn’t a year ago. I am stronger than I was a year ago and I know that for a fucking fact
  • I did not take any laxatives, diet pills, or diuretics
  • Everyday I have tried to do better than the last. Hasn’t been 100% successful but in my opinion, which is the only one that matters frankly, the fact that every day I was at least thinking of challenging myself shows progress and growth. because that means there is some inch in me that knows that I deserve a better life than this.

I realize that many of my wins are celebrated by myself and that’s ok. I have to accept, as much as it sucks, that I am no longer in treatment. This shit is on me. And who knows what is going to happen. Like I said yesterday, I am struggling, things are getting harder and quite frankly, I am terrified but at least I know, even at my worst, that I am working my ass off. And I can say in all honesty that in this moment, I trust myself to get back on track even if it takes longer than I have wanted.

Raise your hand if your awesome. Oh, look at that, my hand is raised.

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10 responses »

  1. Just wondering, but how long did you have your eating disorder before you realized you were sick enough to get better? And you don’t have to answer this but what was your bmi at that time?

    • I had my eating disorder for years before I realized I needed treatment. There is no ‘sick enough until you get better’, you had a heart condition you would never be like ‘i’ll let this get worse because I’m my heart isn’t bad enough’. No, you’d treat the issue. If you know you have an eating disorder and it is ruining your life, which if it’s not I promise you it will, then you need to get treatment. I won’t tell you my BMI but I was pretty underweight. I never had the ‘look’ of someone who was a google anorexic But remember that this is a mental disease that can, not always, involve a physically component. Your weight doesn’t matter when it comes to treatment, if you are suffering, no matter what your weight, then you deserve to get better.

  2. I think I want to get better but I can’t do it on my own and even though I try to tell my mom how I feel, she says I don’t have an eating disorder. So I tried to eat normal but gaining weight freaked me out and so now I’m losing weight again and have a bmi of 19.5

  3. Yeah. I’m just confused and don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can make her see what’s really going on

    • Just be real. I had to do the same with my parents. She’s scared and maybe she doesn’t want to admit it but you have to keep pushing for treatment. This is your life and if you’re not recovering from your ED then you are dying from it. It’s that simple

  4. You have days that are gonna suck ass and some days that you realize things can get better and you aren’t a terrible person and those were just the delusions of the Ed.Somedays you may know what is going on and don’t give a Fuck because you’re comfortable with this security blanket you’ve been building for so long.But really that security is all of your insecurities built up in to one dark cloud holding you back.I really think that you can let go of this.you can kick ass Sarah.good luck.

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