Today has been an insanely emotional day. I have these days every once and awhile where I sob when I look in the mirror and the idea of food gives me so much anxiety that it literally takes my breath away. I don’t want to future trip here, but today was not my last bad day. I will have days like this again, I will have days that I will think that I am destined for a relapse and I will have days where I truly believe the world will be better without me. I struggle from mental illness so these things are evitable.
However, I always seem to focus on all the bad. Yes, I am having major setbacks and yes, I may be on the verge of fuckery BUT it is not fair to completely ignore the fact that I did some pretty incredible recovery stuff this week, including today. So put on your celebration hats and get out the balloons because it’s that special time where I celebrate my recovery wins.
- I ate fast food this week and did not purge it
- Although my purging percentage did go up a lot, there were times when I wanted to purge and I did not.
- I woke up early on purpose a few times to eat breakfast.
- Today, even though every inch of my body was telling me not to eat I went and I got a sandwich.
- I ate 100% of that sandwich through tears and refused to give up
- I ate the sandwich without rituals
- I did not purge the sandwich
- Last night I purged and I could tell I did some damage. My heart was racing, body shakes, dizziness, numbness, and I knew that I needed to get some electrolytes so I drank a Gatorade. Which, may I point out, is a drink with calories. No bullshit, that’s maybe the first time in over a year that I voluntarily made that choice. That’s a HUGE DEAL
- I am currently sitting through a lot of anxiety which is largely caused by my setbacks but hey, I am not numbing out right now
- I set boundaries with a friend today and I was firm in what I said without caring what her response was. I put me first.
- I ate food that I couldn’t a year ago. I am stronger than I was a year ago and I know that for a fucking fact
- I did not take any laxatives, diet pills, or diuretics
- Everyday I have tried to do better than the last. Hasn’t been 100% successful but in my opinion, which is the only one that matters frankly, the fact that every day I was at least thinking of challenging myself shows progress and growth. because that means there is some inch in me that knows that I deserve a better life than this.
I realize that many of my wins are celebrated by myself and that’s ok. I have to accept, as much as it sucks, that I am no longer in treatment. This shit is on me. And who knows what is going to happen. Like I said yesterday, I am struggling, things are getting harder and quite frankly, I am terrified but at least I know, even at my worst, that I am working my ass off. And I can say in all honesty that in this moment, I trust myself to get back on track even if it takes longer than I have wanted.
Raise your hand if your awesome. Oh, look at that, my hand is raised.