That was my goal at least. My weekend was shit. I spent the whole weekend with a friend who was starving and purging the whole weekend with the added fun of calorie counting right in front of me. One of my coworkers told a student to talk to me about their eating disorder. Awesome. My xanax prescription got stolen, double awesome. I was publicly humiliated during one of my programs which was the amazingness of my life. And to make things worse, I was sober all weekend which was the opposite of what I was expecting.
These past few days have been very difficult. I have really been in my head and I have been drowning in the core belief that if people knew who I truly was, they would be disgusted. The stab of this core belief comes when someone says my story to those who wanted to listen for the sole purpose of bringing me down. It’s almost like I create this barrier of a nice, smart and collected girl and when people speak against me or about me, it’s like they poke a hole that shines a light of the person that I truly am. And it’s fucked up because there is a point where it breaks my heart when I hear the things people have to say but in a way, when I read what people think of me it is kind of liberating. It makes me feel somewhat sane because right now I hate me and when other people hate me to then it validates what I believe. What people say are distortions are other people’s belief of me too so it’s fair to believe it. Having someone acknowledge my weight gain and my physical differences is a lot better than people blowing it off and calling me beautiful or refusing to acknowledge that I am fatter than I was a year ago.
I no longer look thin and that breaks my heart. I don’t feel in control of my body at all when all I want to do is lose weight. And it’s frustrating because this is my biggest insecurity and I feel so trapped by it. I can’t say anything because I already know the responses that I get from people. “You look fine” “You still are skinny” “Nobody cares”. But it is so much than just a little insecurity. It’s a thought process. It’s in my head all the time with every activity I do. It paralyzes me socially. My goal this weekend was to have a normal, fun time but instead I spent every second I could faking a smile and wiping tears from being so ashamed of how I looked. Having an eating disorder, you at least have goals of where you want your body to go but now I just have to accept where my body is. For the most part , I am ok with that but it’s still something that I have to grieve. I realize appearance isn’t everything but when you feel like you are nothing you want some part of you to feel like you are worth something. And there is an aspect of innocence to wanting a perfect body as well. I have made mistakes, I have fucked up, I have to deal with all these stresses in my life but my body is an innocent by standard that has just been along with me. Wanting to make the one innocent thing in your life a reflection of who you want to be seems nice in itself. I just have to keep reminding myself that.
Sorry I did not mean to go on this body image tangent. Although I was super emotional and depressed this weekend, I ate all my meals and was purge free. Yay? Yeah, I guess it’s a yay even though it doesn’t feel like it.
This week will be better, I will be stronger and everything will be ok.