I really miss my eating disorder and I want to relapse so badly. I miss the feeling of control that living a life by numbers gives me. I miss using my hands to measure that difference between what I weighed before and after. I miss having to worry secrets rather than worrying about the future. I miss the valleys between my ribs that gave me a sense of comfort. I miss Anorexia.
I look at the images of my friends who are relapsing and yes, my heart breaks for them but at the same time I am so jealous of how they look. I never thought 70 pounds would be beautiful to me again. Anorexia once again stole my eyes and replaced them with distorted lenses.
The idea of being thin isn’t just a size or an image, it’s a way that brings me a sense of being complete. A goal to work towards and it helps me feel not alone when I feel that there is nobody who cares.
Is it a weird thing to say that lately I have been feeling distortions? I feel forgotten, as if nobody cares and people are purposely distancing themselves from me because of who I am. I type that knowing that it is wrong and knowing logically that I have a few amazing people that do love and care for me as much as I love and care for them. But the feeling of being a burden weighs so heavily on me, I just want to isolate because I don’t want to hurt them. I use my eating disorder as a punishment to myself for being who I am because in my distortions, it is rather disappointing.
But I have to believe that I am wrong. Those distortions are a product of my disorder and I have to believe that the lenses I have been given are not what the rest of the world sees. As much as I have a hard time trusting the concept that I am worth something, I have to keep going until I feel that I am a beautiful and lovable person. I know that I can, I have felt that way before in my recovery. I have to keep going with this recovery until it makes sense. Right now, I can’t look at food as something to just enjoy because my mind won’t let me believe that I deserve it. As of right now, food is just my medicine and I have to look at it that way. My desire to relapse is not as strong as my desire to prove myself wrong. I know for a fact that if I go back to Anorexia, as tempting as it may be, my self image and self esteem will be shit. I don’t know how recovery will make me feel, maybe I will continue disliking Sarah or maybe I can learn to love myself.
So I keep trying. I keep making strides and making a great effort to not beat myself up over my lapses. Every day is a new day to test my core beliefs. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can do this.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.