Sitting through the urges

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I am so happy that I have the ED support group on campus. It’s the only time where I don’t feel crazy or alone. Today I allowed myself to be vulnerable and say what I actually felt. The anger and frustration that I have with Anorexia, with food, and with recovery in itself was finally let out, tears and all. And hearing the words “I totally understand how you feel” reminds me that the thoughts and feelings that I have are not a fault in who I am as a person but just symptoms of a disease that I did not chose to have. There is a sense of safety that is in that group and I am beyond grateful for that.

Getting adjusted to school after treatment has been so emotionally testing that there have been moments where I have not only questioned my recovery but have tested the temptation of suicide. The cycle of crying alone and acting happy around others was becoming all too frequent and I wanted it all to stop. I spent a whole day in my head, taking walks and thinking of the final words that I would say to the ones I love and making a plan to make everything just go away. I just get so tired of fighting this and having to trust what I don’t see. I can go into detail of all the things around me with accuracy but I can’t see what I truly look like. I can’t just follow the gut feeling like most people can because my gut feeling is a disease. Even though the idea of death seemed like the only option there was some part in me that trusted that this was only an urge, this was only temporary and everything would be ok. Convincing myself didnt help me feel better in the moment but the consequences of not acting on my urges gives me a sense of strength that has gotten me through today.

That’s all recovery is for me honestly, sitting through the urges and waiting for good things to come.

I can do this.

Sorry this was a short post with bad writing. I’m exhausted.

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