what a mess

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I am really struggling with body image. I can’t shake the number I saw last week and I feel like everyone is disgusted with how I look. It’s weird because I see people who are overweight and I don’t judge them, I don’t hate them and I never ever stared them down with hate. When I leave my room and lock my door I can feel the stares of the strangers around me. Even when I am by myself, I feel the stares.

I realize that food will not make me gain pounds with every bite but in my distortions it feels that way. Although I am trying to have a better relationship with food it is hard for me to not think of it as my enemy. It’s what gave me my weight, without it I would be thinner. That is a fact. I am supposed to at least be indifferent with it for recovery but I feel like it is sabotages me. It’s what causes the stares, the tears and the number on the scale.

One thing that is annoying about eating disorder recovery compared to drugs or alcohol is you can’t abstain from the poison that ruined your life. If I was addicted to heroine or whiskey my recovery would be to stay sober, never take a sip or a hit but with food, it is not about abstaining but instead sustaining. In fact, if I was sober from food I’d relapse. Funny how it works that way.

I’m rambling. I feel like I have so much to say but the only voice I can use is the letters on my keyboard. I want to talk to someone. I want to open my mouth and scream about all of the things that are annoying but I just can’t. I don’t know how and it is driving me crazy. My thoughts are stuck in this body just like the fat that has made it’s home on my thighs. Everything I am, everything I feel, and everything I am terrified of is stuck inside my body and I want it out. I want to be shed with every pound I starve off but I can’t do that and it is driving me crazy. I have to eat, I have to just be ok with the changes in my body, I have to learn to not hate food. I have to do these things for my recovery but I am struggling with believing that recovery will bring me more happiness than my eating disorder.

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