Tonight I go to bed hoping that I can wake up free from that pain that eating three meals has given me today. I want to open my eyes and not be terrified of what my reflection looks like. I want to be able to go in the shower with the lights. I want to wake up with the stress of school and not the stress of breakfast, lunch or dinner. I want to be able to have a day where I truly believe that the world benefits from my presence and I want to fall asleep with the certainty that my eating disorder isn’t going to take this home away from me again. I want to be normal.
And fuck you, if you say nobody is normal. I realize that everyone has their own battles that I cannot see and I acknowledge that but shit, I didn’t even know I was drafted into this before I got shot. There is such thing as normal. I see it any time I see a person eat without knowing where the nearest bathroom is. I see it when people laugh at the concept of just having a fat day. I see it when people who work out allow themselves to eat dessert.
Normal people can order a meal without tears. Normal people go on diets where the end result is to be in a smaller coffin. Normal people don’t look at food towards worth. That salad with cheese or the extra sugar packet in your coffee may make your food sweeter but my aftertaste is bitter because I don’t deserve sweet, or nice or good. I don’t deserve any extra anything. A normal person doesn’t think twice about phrase you are what you eat. Normal people don’t use their hands to check their thighs, arms, wrists all day every day to see if that extra bite made a difference. A normal person would have trouble recounting the stories of their trauma but wouldn’t tear up at the concept of thanksgiving.
Normalcy is a far fetched dream for me. With my eating disorder, I have a lens that distorts the world. I won’t be able to look at food with indifference, I wont be able to look in the mirror, I wont be able to go clothes shopping without feeling trapped and I wont be able to stand on a scale without questioning my value. I want to be normal