The apple, pill bottles and acceptance

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There are 95 calories in a medium sized apple. 357 in my favorite pretzel. 120 in my favorite coffee. I know all there is to know about almost every piece of food that touches my mouth. I like it because there is no depth to it. I don’t have to give food my trust and have it broken, I don’t have to get to know it because there is no personal barrier to it. It’s a number and that’s it’s depth. The twisted relationship that gives me so much comfort because it’s simple, not complex, and it’s always the same.

I was diagnosed with a new disorder today and to a degree, the fact that this demon has a name makes it make a little more sense in my head. It’s treatable and is just another pill bottle away to becoming a routine.
I know my disorders aren’t supposed to define who I am, they are just something I have. But lately it seems the symptoms of my disorders seem like a biography of my life.

There is a fear that I’m becoming less and less “marketable” to meeting new people, especially when it comes to intimacy. In all honesty who wants a person who has to explain why she can’t pick up a sandwich on her first date? Or a friend that purges what is fed to her? I mean, I wouldn’t want that either.

I hope to find depth in myself beyond my disorders. My disorders and fears label me as a complex individual and I realize that. I can’t just be the apple or the coffee where the facts of my life are limited to a number. I think the only choice I have is embrace my complexity. That’s all I can do really. Accept the things I cannot change and do my best to change the things I can.

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One response »

  1. Work that program to the maximum. You are so right with that last sentence because sometimes all you can do is let go and say the serenity prayer. I’ve seen you kick ass before and I know that you can again. The first thing you can do is admit that things aren’t okay and you’ve got it covered. Take a chance to look at the 12 steps and check off all the things you have done already. Then make it a project to complete and repeat when necessary. Because that really works for many people. You are capable of this. I promise. 💜💜💜

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