I wish I could put into words what my anxiety feels like. I have noticed over the years when I explain anxiety to those who don’t have it regularly it just comes off as a fear and nothing less. It’s so much more than that. I am afraid of lizards, they freak me out and I prefer not to be around them. I am not paralyzed by it. I don’t avoid walking outdoors because of my fear of those disgusting slivery satans and I don’t have to stop my life at the thought of them. Fear is something on the outside but my anxiety is an uncomfortable mix of negative emotions that is directed towards myself. Anger, sadness, self hatred, disappointment, and disgust feel as if they are little bugs crawling throughout my bug, suffocating me and leaving me completely paralyzed. The world becomes dull, and any noise feels is extremely loud and startling. It took me three hours to drive back to greensboro today. I had to stop because my anxiety was so bad and try to convince myself that driving over a bridge or into a telephone pole wasn’t a good idea.
I just spent time with my family last night and there is something about them that is extremely triggering. Actually no, it’s not something. It’s the scale, it’s the laxatives, it’s the weight lose chart my mother has hanging on the walls, it’s singling me . I know they love me and they don’t want me to relapse but when I am around them especially I feel like I need to restrict and purge everything. I was brought up to be this perfect daughter who never did anything wrong but when I am around them it becomes more and more clear that I will never fit into the roles that they want for me and the roles that the people I love want from me. So I restrict myself to fit into this perfect sarah box and hope that with every pound I lose, the shame of who I am will melt away like the fat I want so leave my body so badly.
Earlier today, I looked in the mirror and just sobbed and I just want somebody to realize why I want my body to reflect who I am and my distortions tell me that with the body I have now, I show no importance, I look and feel unlovable and am so ashamed that people have to look at me. When I cry over feeling fat, it’s not just about the weight. My body to me seems like a reflection of who I am and it’s reflecting an ugly, pathetic girl who is a disappointment to everyone she knows. I hate myself and I don’t understand how people can’t see my flaws in the same way I do. It’s so clear.
And who wants a person like me in their life? I’m such a fucking burden to everyone and I hate it. I just want to be a good person who my friends and family are proud of, instead the conversation is “have you eaten” or “you just have to get over it” which hearing those things makes me feel so shameful. Nobody should have to worry about me like that. I have a handful of incredibly loving and caring people who are there for me and when they ask me if I am ok I just smile and say yes when in reality I just want to sit and just explain what this is or what this feels like. Because it goes so much deeper than what most people might think.