I’m not a crier. I used to be but I pride myself in my ability to not cry in front of others. I know that’s nothing to be proud of but as a person who spent years being bullied for showing my emotions, I had to teach myself how to conceal it and it took a great deal of time. My therapists pointed out to me that I am an extremely emotional person but I’ve wound up my emotions so tightly around food that I come off as completely dead to all emotions. That’s a completely true. Food is my secret weapon in my plan to survive through all the bullshit that is thrown my way.
But I’m slipping. My full proof plan is crumbling and is causing me to fall apart. My eating disorder is smart, a genius actually and peeks its way of controlling my every thought. It knows where I am stronger and attacks the aspects of my life that are vulnerable. Anorexia allowed me to believe that I was fine, better than ever actually. It’s been almost a week since I purged and I felt as though I was finally back on top of things. I praised medication but didn’t think twice about how I was spending my days avoiding food. Looking back on it, of course I was happy, I was starving and numb.
Sadly, all plans have a downfall and mine slapped me in the face. As much as I try to avoid it, you need food to survive and lately whenever I am around food every emotion that I have so perfectly pushed away comes flooding back. It’s like being water boarded with feelings. I ate breakfast and within ten minutes I was sobbing in the middle of class. Today I ordered food and had a full panic attack that even Xanax couldn’t mask. One of the only aspects of my life that I had such pride in was openly falling apart. You know those people that everyone stares at for acting weird, that was me.
I’m humiliated. I’m confused. I’m depressed. I’m feeling for the first time in awhile and it absolutely sucks.