I am completely consumed by my depression and I hate it. Most days I can live with it but today has just been bad. Today there was just this heavy feeling that I couldn’t shake off.
There is a part of me that I feel is missing. I look in the mirror and see flaws. Flaws that run deeper than my appearance, flaws that reflect who I believe I am. In the mirror I see a girl who leads as a bad example, a girl who is unlovable, a girl who is a disgrace as a daughter, a girl who is so sorry and a girl who is very scared. I do understand that most people have bad body days but for me, every step in the public feels like my worst nightmare. Exposing my body in groups is far too embarrassing for me to handle. I hate this.
As distorted as it is, I truly would do anything to be beautiful. I want to walk into a room and be breathtaking. I want to be a good, kind person. I want to matter. And I look at myself and I see this person who doesn’t deserve love or food. I want somebody to be proud of me because I feel this way but I promise everyday I am trying. Surviving and trying.
I go to bed hoping that I don’t have a nightmare about being fat and wake up refreshed to try again. Tomorrow will be a better day I am sure.