Not Drowning, This is How I Swim

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I can’t help but sit here and cry. I am overwhelmed with worry for my family, for my friends, and for myself. This weekend everything was out of control. I have rules for a reason. They keep me sane, they help me feel more in control and honestly, they keep me alive. I don’t keep food in my apartment so I don’t over eat and I try my best to only consume things with the calorie count on the back. It’s not even to count them because I don’t live by those numbers. It’s to keep me sane and to keep me in the know about what goes into my body. But this weekend there was food in my parent’s kitchen. I expect the duh from the reader, of fucking course there was food in my parent’s kitchen, it’s a damn kitchen. Nevertheless, that food made me break the rules. I ate more than I normally do and if we are being technically I ate more than the average person.

All my plans have gone to shit, the things I was going to use to protect myself have been taken away and now I am completely vulnerable. In three days it’s Thanksgiving. It’s me and two other people. I can’t hide the food, I am so fucking nervous and I need support but it’s not there. The world doesn’t stop for me and that doesn’t mean I am defective, it just means I am human but damn, everything is moving so fast and is just piling on me and I need time to sort it out. Time being the luxury that I don’t have and ignorantly I tried to stop it by taking handfuls of diet pills. Stupid, stupid choices. I can thank the diet pills to my heart racing and the shakes. Props to you, 30 day diet, you really outdid yourself.

I just have to survive today. The next 60 seconds, then the next 60 seconds and then the next. Every minute I survive is an accomplishment. You’re probably reading this and getting the feeling that I am drowning. I’m not, this is just how I swim. This is how I survive. This is my game plan and I’ll be damned if today it doesn’t work

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