Monthly Archives: December 2014

An ED Free Christmas

Standard

Merry Christmas. Had a melt down yet?

It’s finally that time of year again and I know from personal experience that if you suffer from any mental disorder today and tomorrow are probably one of the most difficult and emotional days of the year. It’s fucking difficult to participate in a holiday that glorifies binge eating and gives you a lot of positive attention. For a person who doesn’t battle an eating disorder or a mental illness it probably seems insane to say that receiving positive attention is a difficult concept. What kind of person doesn’t like that? But when you truly hate yourself, receiving gifts and notes seem like a heavy weight placed on your chest because you don’t feel deserving. It’s a lot of pressure and many of us have been dreading this day all year. But alas, its here and there is nothing we can do about it besides strive to survive. I’ve made it through 21 Christmases, I’ll make it through this one.

I could continue this post talking about my struggle accepting my appearance or restricting. I could go into detail about the slip ups and the feelings towards recovery that make it seem hopeless. I already have a paragraph in my head explaining how I’m planning on using my ED today and how triggering family can be.

But I refuse to do that. I look back on the last few years and every holiday I find that the only memories that stick are ones wrapped around my eating disorder. I don’t know what I received for Christmas last year but I can tell you how many calories I consumed. Reflecting on that made me so angry at my eating disorder and I’m ok with being angry. Anger is an emotion of action, it involves effort and in a sense, my anger is the best Christmas gift I could ask for. I refuse to let today and tomorrow be ruled by the laws of anorexia. In reality, this is the last christmas with my father and my grandparents and I want to remember this Christmas as a special day not as another day as an Anorexic.

Today I will eat what I want. I will try not to use my ED but if I do, I refuse to let it rain on my parade. I will look back on this day and be proud, I will enjoy every second with my dad and I will have a good Christmas.

So good luck little warriors. Don’t let ED take away another christmas. I’m here if you need me

Until later, the Gores wish you a very merry Christmas

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/6a0/61514094/files/2014/12/img_5552.jpg

Advertisements

My Ugly

Standard

I was very ugly today. I try my best to be kind to everyone but there are days when my frustrations towards food and recovery weigh so heavy on me I lash out at others. Lately, I have been feeling as if my recovery is completely hopeless and no matter how hard I try, food will never be a thing in my life that I am at peace with. This whole process is a pain in the ass. Some days I am fine and happy with whatever is on my plate and others it seems like every item of food on my plate is a weapon of torture used against me and it’s fucking exhausting to go through. And I feel like this burden of food is going to be in my life forever. Anorexia has already taken so much from me and I know that if I don’t recover, I will never be able to be a functioning adult. I will never find a person who will love me, I will never be able to keep a job, I will lose everything again and I will be alone but there is also an element of fear when I think of my life without it. It’s annoying because the other mental illnesses I struggle with don’t have to have a recovery. You never hear a person in recovery for depression or PTSD, they are disorders that you learn to deal with but when it comes to my eating disorder recovery it seems as though it’s a ride or die. I mean truly the phrase ‘If you aren’t recovering from your eating disorder, you’re dying from it’ is a thought that I have to struggle with every single day. Why couldn’t this be like depression where it is just managed? Why is this disorder the one the determines whether or not I can be an independent adult? And more importantly, how can a disorder that is so destructive feel so comfortable and natural to me?

I had a challenge meal today and it wasn’t like the meal itself was challenging, if a person made it for me it wouldn’t have been a big deal but the atmosphere of the restaurant of the challenge was so overwhelming and difficult for me I began dreading it the minute i heard that my family would be eating there yesterday. It was a fancy italian place and with my past knowledge in nutritional values I knew that walking in there that even with a safe option, triggering foods would be all around me. So I had already started my day being stressed out over what the evening would bring and I had hoped that my day would be less stressful food wise.

I have had a full food tantrum with my family one other time in my life. Last year, I woke up late and went downstairs and my dad had chipotle waiting for me for lunch. I freaked out. I screamed, I cried, and I literally took the food, threw it away and walked out of my house. You just don’t do that to a person with anorexia.  That’s like waking up to a bowl of spiders and having arachnephobia. That doesn’t excuse my behavior at all and I acknowledge that. Nobody should be burdened with the wrath of Sarah because of a burrito bowl since to the person who got it for me looked at it as just food. In my world, the concept of ‘just food’ is still one I have yet to grab and hold onto.

So I was following my parents in my car thinking that we were going to drop off my car today and then I saw them turn into the chipotle parking lot. I was done. If it was just chipotle and no italian for dinner I would have been fine but doing both in one day and one as a surprise? I was not having it. Sour cream and cheese for lunch and fucking carbs forever for dinner? Hell no. Looking back on it, if I had time to process it things would have been different but within two minutes my day went from one super challenge meal to two. That’s when I turned into mega bitch. My tantrum wasn’t as bad as last years, I just got out of my car and was crying, completely shutting down anything my parents had to say and acting like a 13 year old. We stayed for about two minutes and left.

Although my eating disorder tallied my tantrum as a win because I did not have to eat chipotle, I entered back into my car completely defeated. It’s been exactly a year since my last food tantrum, I have had months of treatment and real world experience and yet I found myself openly crying over the same meal. It’s a goddamn burrito bowl and I still couldn’t do it. I have been working my ass off for months and there I was, reprising my role as the angry anorexic at the same fucking restaurant.

I wish I could say my ugliness ended once we left chipotle but no, it carried until after dinner. I was so angry at myself for what happened at lunch and so anxious about dinner that I fought and bitched over every possible thing. I keep getting told to cherish this time with my family because a year from now at least two of the people I shared dinner with will most likely not be with us. I ruined a day of what could have been great memories and turned into a disordered Sunday,

Is this going to be my life forever? Every December crying the same tears over the same meal, no matter how hard I try? I don’t want this but this disorder has such a strong hold on me to where I feel as though this is going to be my life forever. No matter how hard I try I will always have days like today where my eating disorder not only abuses me but the ones around me. I have spent this whole week trying my hardest to get on track and Anorexia finds its way to destroy what could have been a great day. I know that from this point, I have to come to terms with what happened and make peace with it before I wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and new meals. I want to go back to school healthier so bad and honestly, it’s the only thing that is driving me to continue to try.

Water Queens

Standard

Good news, I finally figured out why my body was acting all crazy and I believe I have it under control. Funny thing about barely eating for a week and purging, your body gets super dehydrated and it makes you feel like you’re going to die. So tip from me to you, if you wake up and think “I’m going to die today” drink a glass of water and reevaluate. Ellen was right, it does get better! Drink water queens.

One thing that is difficult for me to accept is that other people diet and it’s totally fine for them. Like “Oh look at me, I went on weight watchers and my life is still together. Watch me twirl in this summer dress. Oh the joys of life!” For me, I have this problem where I love dieting because I have this thing called Anorexia. It kinda gets out of hand and every one gets all disappointed in me so I was like ehh maybe I should stop this. And so I go to treatment, paint rocks, ride horses, cry, and paid thousands of dollars to learn how to accept my body and not count calories. Which is cool when everyone around you is all high from doing a line of body acceptance but then you come back home and apparently nobody else can afford the love your body copay that your insurance requires. So I sit here, completely dumb fucked on how the hell somebody can count calories and not try to kill themselves in the process. How do you do that? Oh bitches that go on runs with their friends. Hello amigo, there is an I in dieting, no fucking we.

And I’m not saying this trying to be pro ana. Anorexia is bad, ask my therapist. I seriously don’t understand how a person does it. Kudos skinny slores, you get to live the dream.

WHAT THE HELL IS A CHEAT DAY? WHAT ARE THIS? I seriously want to sit a fit person down and ask questions. I have so many.

Do you know what else I don’t understand? If you know I have Anorexia why the fuck are you talking to me about your diet? Why bitch why! And then when they talk about it, they always throw in “You know, I’m just trying to be healthy”. Ohhhhhh bitch.  No, I don’t know. When you found out I had Anorexia, was your first thought “I bet this bitch TOTALLY knows how to be healthy with weight loss. Yep, she knows, she knows” I mean, you would never walk into your friend who has skin cancer’s room and be like “I just started indoor tanning…you know, nothing extreme, just to get a healthy glow.”

Also, you want to talk about healthy when you shut my shit down. You tell me you’re cutting out a food group because one of Oprah’s doctor friends said that you could get ebola and a bigger waist size if you eat carbs and I’m like no hunnay, that’s actually not good for you and you look at me like I’m wrong. Don’t call me when you can’t shit bitch. I spent 8 months learning about diets and it’s effects on your body, I know my shit. If I came to you and was like I’m not eating carbs anymore, you’d freak. There might be tears, the words “Im so worried about you” would leave your harshly lined lips and you’d call me beautiful because, you know, I won’t believe it until you say it.

I can’t handle people today. This is why I don’t talk to people from my hometown. I raise my glass of water to any person who isn’t dieting. Fucking proud of you my little butterfly.

Recovery Why You Hurt

Standard

It’s day 3 of Sarah trying to get back on track and let me tell you this is fucking difficult. My body is doing everything it can to reject any food that I consume. It’s really frustrating when you are motivated to be in recovery but your body isn’t. It’s like my body is trying to tell me that recovery isn’t for me.

That doesn’t mean that I have given up though. Being unable to digest food comfortably and sitting through anxiety without my eating disorder is a truly a test for me. Right now is the perfect opportunity to give in and relapse completely. It’d be a lot easier than this, I’d feel in control, I’d feel like a have a purpose and I would feel that addicting feeling of my waist getting smaller and smaller. I say that with the knowledge that those feelings are only temporary and they bring nothing to my life but more problems.

This isn’t easy at all. If I knew how to write how hard this is I would but there are no words to describe the fuckery of anorexia. It’s shit and I’ll leave it at that.

Wish me luck my friends as I continue on what seems like a never ending journey of recovery, I would greatly appreciate it.

Duck & Cover

Standard

When I was in school, we used to do these tornado warnings each quarter where we would go into the hall ways and duck and cover. Nobody took them seriously, I mean, they told us a day beforehand and not going to lie, even during the practice tornado drills it was super uncomfortable so after about a minute or so, I would either sit up, depending on how ballsy I wanted to be, or half ass my duck and cover so I would be more comfortable. When I would get in trouble, I would always respond with “If this was real, I would actually do it.”. I wasn’t alone in this defiance against ducking and covering, no body really saw the point. It wasn’t real so it was crazy to assume that 13 year old Sarah’s reactions towards a fake drill should be completely on point with what I was supposed to do.

Looking back on it, treatment was a lot like the tornado drill. I have a damn forest of work sheets that I have filled out in groups where I wrote down an automatic thought and how to combat it or what to do when I lose somebody or how to act if I get triggered, etc etc. I can write down what I am supposed to do in all situations but when I am actually faced with them it’s a shit storm of horrible action after action after action. Those work sheets were all the ‘what if’s’ I never thought I’d be faced with all at once. On paper, I always had the right thing to say or the correct thought to challenge and I figured that since I had that knowledge, that I would be totally prepared for all things. When this is real, I will actually do this. 

Worksheets don’t factor in every moment leading up to the event or the thought. There is no chart that could have prepared me for these past few weeks because since the end of November to now, each of my core beliefs have been challenged, I lost a person who was a staple in my recovery and life has given me every tool for my eating disorder to completely succeed.

Unlike the worksheets, there isn’t a visible list of thoughts or actions, instead my disorders weaved itself back into my life with every small crack it could find until I looked at myself and realized that there was absolutely no recovery happening, in fact,  my behaviors and thoughts were worse than I had ever experienced before with any of my disorders. My mind was in a constant loop of You’re going to lose every body, no body likes you, you don’t deserve food, you need to hurt yourself after you eat, you have to purge, if people knew who you really were everyone would leave you, you have to numb out anyway you can over and over and over until I believed and acted on every thing my disorder was telling me to do because my disorder’s have been how I’ve survived for my whole life. In a drill or on a work sheet, maybe I can do the right thing but when it’s in the moment, my coping techniques seem to work better.

There is a very small but extremely powerful point when my disorders flip around and slam me down harder than any event prior to it. It’s like this switch that you didn’t realize was turned on until wayyyy after the fact. Yes, losing a friend pushed me down, but not as far as starving, self harming, and numbing out has put me. The aftermath of those things hit me like a truck tonight. I am hurting more than I have since this began and I am more anxious than I ever have been. What I am feeling right now is horrible and I never want to be this low again.

That’s why I write this post some what excited to be in the position I am in right now. Does this suck? More than any adjective I could use to describe. BUT I have this window of time where I don’t have to work, I will be around a person for almost all meals and I don’t have to worry about school or any other pressure that could easily steer my attention away from my recovery. I have 3 weeks to get back to where I was in August, I have 3 weeks to feel all the emotions I have blocked out for a month and I can process them in the best way I can. I am trying my best to look at this situation as a beautiful disaster, the perfect time to feel my worst.

For tonight, I am trying to remember that this depression and anxiety are only temporary, feelings are not facts and I will get through this. I have survived 21 December 15’s and I won’t stop surviving today.

Semester Done Bitches

Standard

Hey Hi

I apologize for not writing on here as often as I used to. Many of you know what situation I am in so I do not want to entertain what is going on in my life. It’s not my place nor is it beneficial to you or myself. Plus I really want to steer away from self pity.

Anyways

I finished my semester officially and I can honesty say that I will return in January which is way more than I could say last year.  It’s crazy to think that a year ago at this time I just began treatment and this blog. Even on the days where I feel as though there is no hope for my recovery, I look back on where I used to be and realize that I am no where near to my worst. When you are completely into your eating disorder, the only future you can see is thin. But now I have legit things to look forward to. I’m graduating in a year, and I have plans after graduation. Who knows if they will actually happen but hey, it’s a plan that doesn’t involve dieting.

Looking back on this semester, I do have areas that i need to improve on. I need to be more consistent with my recovery and I need to open up more. I used to be an open book or at least I thought I was, but ever since I’ve came back I’ve had trouble sharing all the happenings of my life to people. Anybody that leaves for treatment can attest that the process of packing and telling people is extremely traumatizing. I can’t tell you how completely painful and humiliating the week of January 12th 2014 was for me. Sending an email to over 100 people explaining what I had hidden for years was horrible in every way possible. So coming back, I wanted to come off as perfect. People saw my vulnerability and I don’t want that to happen again. But doing that is a challenge that I want to commit to.

So yes, am I proud of myself for my accomplishments? Extremely. Could I be doing better? Of course.

But I did it. I came, I conquered and I am going to keep doing that until I graduate.