My Ugly

I was very ugly today. I try my best to be kind to everyone but there are days when my frustrations towards food and recovery weigh so heavy on me I lash out at others. Lately, I have been feeling as if my recovery is completely hopeless and no matter how hard I try, food will never be a thing in my life that I am at peace with. This whole process is a pain in the ass. Some days I am fine and happy with whatever is on my plate and others it seems like every item of food on my plate is a weapon of torture used against me and it’s fucking exhausting to go through. And I feel like this burden of food is going to be in my life forever. Anorexia has already taken so much from me and I know that if I don’t recover, I will never be able to be a functioning adult. I will never find a person who will love me, I will never be able to keep a job, I will lose everything again and I will be alone but there is also an element of fear when I think of my life without it. It’s annoying because the other mental illnesses I struggle with don’t have to have a recovery. You never hear a person in recovery for depression or PTSD, they are disorders that you learn to deal with but when it comes to my eating disorder recovery it seems as though it’s a ride or die. I mean truly the phrase ‘If you aren’t recovering from your eating disorder, you’re dying from it’ is a thought that I have to struggle with every single day. Why couldn’t this be like depression where it is just managed? Why is this disorder the one the determines whether or not I can be an independent adult? And more importantly, how can a disorder that is so destructive feel so comfortable and natural to me?

I had a challenge meal today and it wasn’t like the meal itself was challenging, if a person made it for me it wouldn’t have been a big deal but the atmosphere of the restaurant of the challenge was so overwhelming and difficult for me I began dreading it the minute i heard that my family would be eating there yesterday. It was a fancy italian place and with my past knowledge in nutritional values I knew that walking in there that even with a safe option, triggering foods would be all around me. So I had already started my day being stressed out over what the evening would bring and I had hoped that my day would be less stressful food wise.

I have had a full food tantrum with my family one other time in my life. Last year, I woke up late and went downstairs and my dad had chipotle waiting for me for lunch. I freaked out. I screamed, I cried, and I literally took the food, threw it away and walked out of my house. You just don’t do that to a person with anorexia.  That’s like waking up to a bowl of spiders and having arachnephobia. That doesn’t excuse my behavior at all and I acknowledge that. Nobody should be burdened with the wrath of Sarah because of a burrito bowl since to the person who got it for me looked at it as just food. In my world, the concept of ‘just food’ is still one I have yet to grab and hold onto.

So I was following my parents in my car thinking that we were going to drop off my car today and then I saw them turn into the chipotle parking lot. I was done. If it was just chipotle and no italian for dinner I would have been fine but doing both in one day and one as a surprise? I was not having it. Sour cream and cheese for lunch and fucking carbs forever for dinner? Hell no. Looking back on it, if I had time to process it things would have been different but within two minutes my day went from one super challenge meal to two. That’s when I turned into mega bitch. My tantrum wasn’t as bad as last years, I just got out of my car and was crying, completely shutting down anything my parents had to say and acting like a 13 year old. We stayed for about two minutes and left.

Although my eating disorder tallied my tantrum as a win because I did not have to eat chipotle, I entered back into my car completely defeated. It’s been exactly a year since my last food tantrum, I have had months of treatment and real world experience and yet I found myself openly crying over the same meal. It’s a goddamn burrito bowl and I still couldn’t do it. I have been working my ass off for months and there I was, reprising my role as the angry anorexic at the same fucking restaurant.

I wish I could say my ugliness ended once we left chipotle but no, it carried until after dinner. I was so angry at myself for what happened at lunch and so anxious about dinner that I fought and bitched over every possible thing. I keep getting told to cherish this time with my family because a year from now at least two of the people I shared dinner with will most likely not be with us. I ruined a day of what could have been great memories and turned into a disordered Sunday,

Is this going to be my life forever? Every December crying the same tears over the same meal, no matter how hard I try? I don’t want this but this disorder has such a strong hold on me to where I feel as though this is going to be my life forever. No matter how hard I try I will always have days like today where my eating disorder not only abuses me but the ones around me. I have spent this whole week trying my hardest to get on track and Anorexia finds its way to destroy what could have been a great day. I know that from this point, I have to come to terms with what happened and make peace with it before I wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and new meals. I want to go back to school healthier so bad and honestly, it’s the only thing that is driving me to continue to try.