Merry Christmas. Had a melt down yet?
It’s finally that time of year again and I know from personal experience that if you suffer from any mental disorder today and tomorrow are probably one of the most difficult and emotional days of the year. It’s fucking difficult to participate in a holiday that glorifies binge eating and gives you a lot of positive attention. For a person who doesn’t battle an eating disorder or a mental illness it probably seems insane to say that receiving positive attention is a difficult concept. What kind of person doesn’t like that? But when you truly hate yourself, receiving gifts and notes seem like a heavy weight placed on your chest because you don’t feel deserving. It’s a lot of pressure and many of us have been dreading this day all year. But alas, its here and there is nothing we can do about it besides strive to survive. I’ve made it through 21 Christmases, I’ll make it through this one.
I could continue this post talking about my struggle accepting my appearance or restricting. I could go into detail about the slip ups and the feelings towards recovery that make it seem hopeless. I already have a paragraph in my head explaining how I’m planning on using my ED today and how triggering family can be.
But I refuse to do that. I look back on the last few years and every holiday I find that the only memories that stick are ones wrapped around my eating disorder. I don’t know what I received for Christmas last year but I can tell you how many calories I consumed. Reflecting on that made me so angry at my eating disorder and I’m ok with being angry. Anger is an emotion of action, it involves effort and in a sense, my anger is the best Christmas gift I could ask for. I refuse to let today and tomorrow be ruled by the laws of anorexia. In reality, this is the last christmas with my father and my grandparents and I want to remember this Christmas as a special day not as another day as an Anorexic.
Today I will eat what I want. I will try not to use my ED but if I do, I refuse to let it rain on my parade. I will look back on this day and be proud, I will enjoy every second with my dad and I will have a good Christmas.
So good luck little warriors. Don’t let ED take away another christmas. I’m here if you need me
Until later, the Gores wish you a very merry Christmas