I Look Fine

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I cant sleep. I just keep hearing ‘you don’t look like you have an eating disorder’ over and over in my head so loudly that I can’t think straight. Do you ever have those nightmares were you are in front of a crowd and they are just yelling how disgusting you are and you cant find the words to fight back? I have them all the time but I wake up. I open my eyes and I see that I am safe. I am in my bed, in my room, and all the noises are gone. It was just a dream, it wasn’t reality.

I never wake up thinking that those nightmares will become a part of my reality. I never get dressed in the morning thinking that I will leave my bedroom and walk into the nightmare that I thought I had escaped. But it happened. A supervisor said in front of about 20 of my coworkers that I don’t look like I am anorexic. She never would’ve fucking guessed because I am not the skeleton that I long to be. I am average, I look fine, and in no way do I put off the vibe that I am trapped in a body that shouldn’t belong to me. But I am. I am trapped into this normal BMI range that feels like a punishment and I can’t get out without killing myself in the process. I’m not thin enough to deserve concern. I’m not safe, it wasn’t just a dream and it is my reality.

And when I finally stop crying so I can fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, I still wont be safe. I have to see the person that said this, along with every person that heard her and just smile. Have my goddamn name called and walk up in front of every person that heard or assumed that I’m not thin enough to have an eating disorder. Wear longer sleeves and put ice packs on my face to stop my eyes from swelling so when they all see me I will still be that average girl who looks fine. Not sick, not anorexic, just a normal person who presents herself as fine.

I have never dreaded a Wednesday more in my fucking life.

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One response »

  1. My heart just broke while reading this. People just do not understand what it is to have an eating disorder, and so I am sorry that you had someone say such an invalidating thing to you. That is the last thing a person recovering from anorexia needs to hear.

    I think the hardest part of recovering from anorexia is AFTER you’re at a healthy weight – because yea your body is healthy now, but your mind is still thinking like it did when you were in the midst of your ED (if not worse now). And what’s harder is that your eating disorder starts telling you lies like “I’m not sick enough for this ED to be serious or for me to deserve help”. That’s the biggest lie ever. It is hell to lie awake at night crying because you hate the body you are in.

    You said in your post that your current BMI feels like a punishment. I kind of know what that’s like… to feel betrayed by weight gain during recovery. My only advice is to try reminding yourself of alll the benefits of having the body you have now. You are healthy. Healthy! You’re body can repair itself. It has energy to live! Keep talking back to the negative voices.

    At the moment recovery might not seem worth it… when your mind is still so dark, but your body is healthy. But just know, the mind can get better too! It really can. It will be hard work. But it is so so SO worth the fight. A life totally free from an eating disorder (mind and body) is amazing 🙂

    So tomorrow when you see your work colleagues, and you remember that comment about you no longer being underweight “enough” to qualify to have anorexia… try not to think about this as being proof of not having anorexia. But try to think about it as proof of how you are kicking anorexia’s arse! Realise how strong reaching a healthy weight makes you! You are strong enough to go through the terrifying process of weight gain (despite getting stupid comments from incompetent and ignorant people). You are strong enough to keep eating even though you might hate the body you are in. Many girls do not get as far as you have come. Yea you still have a long way to go, but you can do it. Don’t get sucked into lies that you are no longer deserve help. Because you so do.

    Anyway, sorry I’m rambling a bit, but your post just really touched me. I remember thinking very similar thoughts.

    All the best for tomorrow x

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