I cant sleep. I just keep hearing ‘you don’t look like you have an eating disorder’ over and over in my head so loudly that I can’t think straight. Do you ever have those nightmares were you are in front of a crowd and they are just yelling how disgusting you are and you cant find the words to fight back? I have them all the time but I wake up. I open my eyes and I see that I am safe. I am in my bed, in my room, and all the noises are gone. It was just a dream, it wasn’t reality.
I never wake up thinking that those nightmares will become a part of my reality. I never get dressed in the morning thinking that I will leave my bedroom and walk into the nightmare that I thought I had escaped. But it happened. A supervisor said in front of about 20 of my coworkers that I don’t look like I am anorexic. She never would’ve fucking guessed because I am not the skeleton that I long to be. I am average, I look fine, and in no way do I put off the vibe that I am trapped in a body that shouldn’t belong to me. But I am. I am trapped into this normal BMI range that feels like a punishment and I can’t get out without killing myself in the process. I’m not thin enough to deserve concern. I’m not safe, it wasn’t just a dream and it is my reality.
And when I finally stop crying so I can fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, I still wont be safe. I have to see the person that said this, along with every person that heard her and just smile. Have my goddamn name called and walk up in front of every person that heard or assumed that I’m not thin enough to have an eating disorder. Wear longer sleeves and put ice packs on my face to stop my eyes from swelling so when they all see me I will still be that average girl who looks fine. Not sick, not anorexic, just a normal person who presents herself as fine.
I have never dreaded a Wednesday more in my fucking life.