I would by lying to you if I said I was doing well. Since the comments last week, I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe or think straight. For me, Anorexia isn’t about the weight loss, it’s more about trying to control my depression and anxiety and when it’s as bad as it has been the last two days, I would much rather feel dizzy, feel my heart racing and not be able to sleep than being depressed.
I am getting more and more frustrated with being sick. Last night I was working and I had not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 people come to me and ask to speak with me privately about their eating disorder. I heard story after story about people who go to therapy and that they are doing so much better and I am over here, after 8 months of treatment still struggling. I feel so ripped off, their eating disorder didnt make them have to leave school or make them lose friends. They just went to therapy and got it and I am over hydroxycut just to function. This may sound pitiful but what did I do to deserve being the sickest out of this little group of eating disorders. For them, it is just a phase in their life but for me, it seems like this is going to be my life forever.
And they look at me like I know all the answers. I even got “I trust you more than anyone. You are the only person who gets it.” It’s a nice thought but it’s embarrassing. I’m stuck because I can’t tell them that they shouldn’t look up to me and I have to just smile and play this strong person for everybody else. I amI am not that person. Clearly, I am not strong and it’s lonely pretending. not that person. Clearly, I am not strong and it’s lonely pretending.
When I got off work, I completely broke down. I was so angry at myself for not being the person that they want me to be and I am pissed that I can’t have a mild eating disorder. It’s not fair. I realize that everyone has their own battles but it’s not fair that I have this. This battle is bullshit and I am so sick of fighting it.