I am beginning to feel hopeless in my recovery. I know that’s such a pussy thing to say but that’s just where I am. I used to pride myself before that I always found a way to get out of my lapse, no matter how bad it got. I trusted myself too much and now I am in a place where I don’t know if I can get out. Food is constantly on my mind and I am scared to tears with the idea of having to eat three meals a day. What I’m going to eat, where I am going to eat, punishing myself for eating, coming up with lies to get out of eating. It’s like this never ending monologue in my head reminding me that I don’t deserve food and there is no happiness outside of starving myself. I can’t even get myself to sleep most nights and when I do, I wake up from nightmares about my dad, and the things I lost in high school and college. Relapse is paralyzing me with fear. I can’t believe one year later and I am where I am.
I wish I could pinpoint why the hell this is happening but it’s a whole cluster fuck of things. I am facing basically the same things I faced in my strongest days in my recovery but this time I feel so much weaker. The reality of my father’s illness is really bothering me for some reason. He has been back and forth with almost dying and surviving for so many years now that it seemed routine to get bad and good phone calls. But the each call seems to be worse and the family unit as a hole is suffering. My dad is dying, my mom is grieving, I’m having a great time fucking up my life and Mary is just staying peachy because that’s what Mary does best. I feel like every thing I do has to be perfect because “It’s going to be the last memories you have with him Sarah, so you better make it count”. Fuck if I am doing that. The guilt behind me relapsing is bad enough but throw in that my dad is going to die with nothing to really make him proud of doesn’t help me sleep at night.
I don’t know what else to put on here really. Just that I’m relapsing and I don’t think I’m strong enough this time. I do want to get better, I really do and I have so much anger at myself for being where I am. I know that this disorder is what is going to keep me from having the things that I want but I don’t know if I am ready to give that up yet. I wouldn’t restrict if I wasn’t so uncomfortable with myself or the situations I am put in. Sometimes it’s like which hell to chose: Hell 1 of hating myself, feeling anxious and depressed when I am eating OR Hell 2 of starving myself but the anxiety and depression isn’t as present.
I wish I could put some fantastic recovery quote to make me this post a little chipper like “Reach for the stars and when you get there you will no longer be afraid of pizza. You can get a sandwich and eat it without a fork.” or some shit like that but Ix have nothing. I normally eat more on the weekends which makes me anxious for tomorrow but I’ll fucking deal with food when I have to.