They found more cancer in my father. Lately the thought of losing him has been weighing heavily on me. Losing my grandmother means another part of my dad is gone. Each day I wake up not knowing if I’ll go to sleep with my father still alive.
I try to imagine the day he’ll be gone, how I’ll say goodbye, how I’ll tell my friends, etc. I saw my dad this past week, and he could barely walk or talk. Nobody should be in the pain that he is in right now. He could barely walk or talk, and his head hung lowly like he knew that death was coming sooner or later. It’s terrible, it’s painful, and it’s unfair
Growing up my dad could do anything. Always coaching my teams and lying to me and telling me I was athletic. Any daughter dance or event, we were in attendance and when we danced you could tell that he saw me as his little princess. I remember when I first got caught self harming he put pressure on my wrists to stop the bleeding and he just held me, telling me I was beautiful and everything would be ok. He did his best and I’ll never deny that. I wasn’t the daughter he expected and I hate myself for that but despite our differences, he never made me doubt that I was his little girl.
Maybe it’s selfish but I am so angry about this. I’m getting ripped off here. I’ll never get the dance at my wedding, he’ll never meet my kids or tell me he is proud of me for my future accomplishments. I want those things so bad. I want him to wake up and be fine.
Now I have a man that’s face and demeanor only translate to pain. The man who woke up at 2 AM for his second job so I could sing is now barely able to stay awake to form a sentence. Watching someone die is incredibly heart wrenching and I’d do anything to make it stop