Monthly Archives: March 2015

Don’t plan, prepare

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I imagined my fathers death. I played over fantasies in my head of the pain I’d feel and the dullness that would be around me. I imagined a colorless world without my father and I felt the covers as I expected I would spend my days hiding beneath them for the pain of my fathers death would be so unbearable I would be crippled, unable to function.  It was sad but at least I had a plan. Even better, no matter how dark my imagination took me, it was merely a thought. My dad was still alive. His voice wasn’t just a memory, it was a reality that i selfishly took for granted. His hands were warm and his hugs were tight. His chest moved, his eyes blinked and his face showed expression, his familiar foot steps were heard within my house and if i ever had any doubt, he was there to prove that despite the fact that death was near, he was still alive.


Once again, I feel the disappoint as I have felt before because the dark future that I had planned was wrong. In fact, I have learned that if you have a plan for your future, whether it be a fairy tale ending or a realistic nightmare, you’re wrong. Things never turn out the way you expected it to. I don’t say that with bitterness, I say it with stories and memories I’ve collected that prove my hypothesis of you never know what’s going to happen. Don’t plan, prepare. 

As for me, my prediction of life beyond my father was wrong. I get up, I live, I brush my hair, I line my eyes, and I breathe. Yes, I correctly imagined my colorless world but I never imagined the pain I would feel. Pain that aches every muscle, runs through every vain, and thumps with each step I take. You can’t imagine this pain until you ache from it and naturally your body will try its best to make it feel better. For me, I can’t seem to go a day without having to take frequent naps. My body is giving a break because even though it can seem that a life is so much more complex than just skin blood and organs, I, like you, am just a body. I am healing, even if it feels like each day is a new wound, I am in repair.

I am dreaming of tomorrow. I am in no way particularly special or particularly tortured to have a parent die. In fact i am one of millions and lately, those are the people I look towards because each person tells me it gets easier with time. Time. Days, weeks, minutes, years, seconds. There must be a day when saying that I lost my dad at 22 doesn’t sting as it leaves my lips but instead is merely a fact that fills the pages of my living biography. I don’t imagine that tomorrow will be that day but I do know that it’s one day closer. 

  For those who have ever experienced a loss, I am deeply sorry. I suppose I now wear the badge that separates me from those who still have every person in there life present. It’s not fair, and I don’t say that in the context of just myself, it’s not fair for each of us. No person should feel this way, no person should lose a part of their life and no person should have to live through the days like this.

Even though I have heard this expression many times and I say this not in truth but instead in hope: things will get better. Hold your head up high so the one you lost can see you, and trust that even though you shouldn’t try to predict your future, you can cross your fingers that the unpredictability of life may throw you well deserved joy.
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He was my Puff

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lovepuff

He was more than just my father, he was my puff and I was his. He was the person who taught me everything. The person who followed my school bus each year on the first day of school to make sure I got to school safe. The person who would take me to Starbucks just to ask me my thoughts on life, religion and politics. The person who made time for me.  The person who referred to himself as “Wolfiss” and chased me around the house. He was the person who saw cuts on my wrist and cleaned the blood as he told me he loved me. The person who loved me, truly, truly, loved me.

I was there in his final breaths. I sat by his side and watched as the shell of a man who used to be Bob Gore moaned in pain as he slowly allowed death to become him. I kissed his corpse and thanked him for being the best Puff a girl could ask for. The voices saying time of death are stuck to me like a tattoo, permanently stabbing my skin knowing that moment will follow me forever.

I woke up today as the parade of Im so sorry’s continued from strangers fogged my entire day. I’m sorry, too. If you ask me, this is bullshit. My dad should be alive, I shouldn’t have to look ahead and see all the grown up places we never went. Puff shouldn’t be a picture on my key chain or a closet filled with his clothes, Puff should be in his chair, alive and well with the knowledge that he was perfectly healthy. But he isn’t. He is dead. I will never be called Puff again. And somehow I have to figure out how I am going to survive the next day, the next morning, the next hour, the next minute knowing that he is no longer here. This sucks. Every inch of it sucks and I just want it to be over.