I wish my disorder was more outwardly complex. The simplicity of the words “just eat” bring so much shame because the solution is rather basic. So you hate your life and you starve yourself? Accept your flaws, figure your life out and eat like everybody else. You like to purge but you don’t want to die from it? Then don’t. You want to love your life and you know that you need to change certain things? Fucking do it then. It’s true. I see the problems in my life, I know that I am miserable and my eating disorder has a lot to do with it so naturally, knowing that and knowing what I have to do to change that, then I should do it. It should be simple and it is simple but yet here I am, going through the same cycle over and over and over again.
And I know, I fucking know, that recovery or living with an eating disorder takes so much more than just eating like everybody else. I was in some sort of treatment from December to July so obviously there’s more to it then just eating. I wouldn’t have wasted money for something so basic. But I am sitting here, reliving the same day I have been for years now. Every second of every moment somehow consumed by food and exercise. I don’t know how to emphasis how mentally tolling an eating disorder has on your damn head, I’ve tried to think of metaphors or some thing to make it make sense but I have nothing. No matter what, it makes no fucking sense. I don’t eat and I make myself throw up. Why? Aint nobody like to vomit. 99% of the people I meet think of food as just that. Food. It’s so stupid if you boil it down. You don’t eat food? Are you afraid of breathing too? Do you cry at night know that while you sleep your repertory system will still be working?
Real talk with myself, I know that I will never be overweight. I know what weight my body will go to if I start eating normally again and it’s not ridiculously large at all. I know that my life would be better if I went back to an IOP or PHP program, I’d go back to school and graduate eventually and things would be better but I’m not bugging from where I am. I have proof that my life is better when I’m “nourished” because I’ve done it before. So why the hell am I so fucking hell bent on my eating disorder?
If the solution was more complex then I could forgive myself for having this. If the reason I couldn’t eat was because every third Tuesday my body became pollinated with some toxin in the air that only I am allergic to which caused a complete malfunction of my ability to eat and the only solution was to find a leprechaun and give him a bj by my local Circle K for it to stop, then I would have a legit problem. I have a shell card and I don’t trust people who are on cereal boxes so clearly, I couldn’t eat. It’s not my fault, it’s the things out of my control that wont allow me to get better.
It is my fault though and I cant run away from that. I didn’t decide to have an eating disorder but it feels like a decision on whether or not I want to get better. I do want to get better but I don’t but I do but then I really don’t . It’s such a simple solution with such power behind it that I guess I just cant do. So enjoy not making yourself throw up today and smile in the fact that you know you aren’t killing yourself. Hoo rah, you did and continue to do what I, for some reason, cant. If you want to trade lives, meet me by your grandmother’s mailbox, create a PSA for the prohibition of black tar herion, get freaky Friday fortune cookies, get some teenagers pregnant and then from there, our world’s will switch.
I have to go to the pool today and sadly, due to the fact that I am not a duggar, I have to wear a bathing suit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK. It’s not because I think I’m fat, that’s not the issue. I’ve accepted the fact that I cant see myself as what I truly look like but I do know that I am underweight so I don’t look fat to the world. The issue is I have to put on another badge of relapse. I like to pretend that my shorts falling down isn’t because of my weight loss and the fact that even my bras aren’t fitting is just because they are old. I like to play stupid, making up excuses for hiding behind my baggy clothes but I know the real reason why. And now, I have but on a bathing suit that I know wont fit.
It’s humiliating because I cant hide from the world like I did before. I cant be praised for weight loss and my body cant be ignored. Everybody fucking knows I’m anorexic and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
I keep telling myself that today is going to be different. Today I am going to eat, today I am going to be strong and today I am going to make people proud to have Sarah as a friend but it never works out that way. I never take into account that today I will be just as in my head as before. I don’t allow myself to realize that this miraculous new day will bring tears over eating a tortilla. It’s fucking stupid. I’m a 22 year old girl who is defeated by this disorder and all I want to do is be better. But better means living and it’s hard to fight for that when the thought of death is so….enticing.
Im trying though. Fuck am I trying. I eat when I can, I’m not self harming, or taking pills or even isolating. It’s not enough though, I have “wins” everyday but my body tells a different story.
Side note, I was creeping some bitch’s spotify and she had an anorexia playlist. Let me let you in on a little secret, 99% of eating disorder songs are fucking hilarious. They are so over dramatic and they are like “she just wants to fit in and have friends but she wont eat fa la la”. It’s great and if you like to smile and lol forever, I suggest you find a playlist because it’s so fucking funny. I realize this is a serious disorder but when you write your thoughts down and put a piano behind it, it gets a little too extra.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
I apologize about my lack of posts here. There are multiple reasons why I kind of stopped. For starters, this semester has been so incredibly stressful and any second I had to actually sit down and write something but the main reason I’ve been silent is because I refused to sit down and reflect on how I was really doing. But I promised myself that I would write something once this semester is over and ta daaa it is.
So….how have I been doing?
I’m not going to say my weight nor am I going to go into details about everything I have been. This blog isn’t a look how sick I am or a forum where I write about how depressed I am (well…not anymore). But I think it’d be safe to say that recovery is over. I am gone and anorexia has taken over. I know that sounds kind of blunt but it’s the reality. And don’t assume my bluntness like I don’t care because if I could somehow explain the shame I feel about relapsing you would see that my bluntness is just a way to protect myself. I am doing my best to just keep up and this is the only way I know how. I cant balance my depression and my life at this moment and I had two options: I could focus on getting better and let things in my life slide, like school or I could use my eating disorder to get by. I know that sounds bad but people have so many expectations from me and I have so many expectations for myself that I don’t have time to put recovery first. And I am so incredibly grateful for that because if I didn’t have things to distract me, I would have killed myself and I say that with complete certainty.
Even though this semester has been so insane that I haven’t been able to really look behind me to see the mess I have made. Now that everything is over, I am able to look back on these past few months and holllyyyyyyyy shitttttt. I do have a lot to be proud of but honestly, just thinking about everything makes me shiver. The last few weeks with my dad was traumatizing. Watching somebody who is dying, seeing them die and dealing with the aftermath is absolutely devastating. Then coming back to school on top of that is near to impossible. I never want to live through that again, I never want to feel those things again and I don’t want to think about these past few months ever ever ever ever again.
As for right now, I am really struggling with the effects of my eating disorder on my life. I’ve lost weight and I am getting a lot of comments. It’s a solid mixture between being called beautiful and thing and, my favorite, “how do you get so thin? I want to be on your diet” -_____- and “Sarah, you’ve lost weight oh my god, even though I refuse to actually ask you how you are doing or learn about what an eating disorder is, I will comment on you weight though because that’s CLEARLY my place. I only care if you’ve gone down a size”………..may have exaggerated and put some opinion into that last part but you get the point.
But comments don’t bother me as much. I mean, I am not proud of my weight loss, it’s rather humiliating to say the least. What really hurts is when I think about what my life is. I have been dieting for years. Fucking years. I hear all my friends talk about their futures and see bitches getting married or having kids and I have had to accept that those things wont happen to me. I’m not throwing a pity party, it’s just a reality. With my eating disorder the way that it is, I wont be able to make friends, I wont be able to date or have kids and what kills me the most is I know that I cant hold down a full time big girl job with this. It’s devastating to think about honestly and I am so pissed that I have this. But right now my eating disorder is at a point to where I don’t even have a choice anymore. Those with ED’s know exactly what I am talking about and those who don’t can suck my dick. You think this is all Sarah and it’s easy, let me follow you around for a day and talk to you like my ED talks to me and I promise you that you wont eat. I promise you that I would do some severe damage. We’d probably end up being roommates at the same rehab.
I wont say this person’s name but I got a present today. I wonderful present that every person with Anorexia must get: a fit bit. Because, naturally, if you know somebody that starves themselves, you should get them a weight loss tracker and tell them that you want to compete with your diet and exercise. How? Because your little bracelet can pair you up and be like “Hey…you walk more than this bitch HOORAY FOR YOU”.
Anywho, now I am on a group diet with people who know about my ED and this person is like “this is going to be so much fun to compete” And I’m over here thinking
I’m going to win bitch.
Lol forever. You may not think this situation is funny but I find it comical.
There you have it. A lovely update.