I apologize about my lack of posts here. There are multiple reasons why I kind of stopped. For starters, this semester has been so incredibly stressful and any second I had to actually sit down and write something but the main reason I’ve been silent is because I refused to sit down and reflect on how I was really doing. But I promised myself that I would write something once this semester is over and ta daaa it is.
So….how have I been doing?
I’m not going to say my weight nor am I going to go into details about everything I have been. This blog isn’t a look how sick I am or a forum where I write about how depressed I am (well…not anymore). But I think it’d be safe to say that recovery is over. I am gone and anorexia has taken over. I know that sounds kind of blunt but it’s the reality. And don’t assume my bluntness like I don’t care because if I could somehow explain the shame I feel about relapsing you would see that my bluntness is just a way to protect myself. I am doing my best to just keep up and this is the only way I know how. I cant balance my depression and my life at this moment and I had two options: I could focus on getting better and let things in my life slide, like school or I could use my eating disorder to get by. I know that sounds bad but people have so many expectations from me and I have so many expectations for myself that I don’t have time to put recovery first. And I am so incredibly grateful for that because if I didn’t have things to distract me, I would have killed myself and I say that with complete certainty.
Even though this semester has been so insane that I haven’t been able to really look behind me to see the mess I have made. Now that everything is over, I am able to look back on these past few months and holllyyyyyyyy shitttttt. I do have a lot to be proud of but honestly, just thinking about everything makes me shiver. The last few weeks with my dad was traumatizing. Watching somebody who is dying, seeing them die and dealing with the aftermath is absolutely devastating. Then coming back to school on top of that is near to impossible. I never want to live through that again, I never want to feel those things again and I don’t want to think about these past few months ever ever ever ever again.
As for right now, I am really struggling with the effects of my eating disorder on my life. I’ve lost weight and I am getting a lot of comments. It’s a solid mixture between being called beautiful and thing and, my favorite, “how do you get so thin? I want to be on your diet” -_____- and “Sarah, you’ve lost weight oh my god, even though I refuse to actually ask you how you are doing or learn about what an eating disorder is, I will comment on you weight though because that’s CLEARLY my place. I only care if you’ve gone down a size”………..may have exaggerated and put some opinion into that last part but you get the point.
But comments don’t bother me as much. I mean, I am not proud of my weight loss, it’s rather humiliating to say the least. What really hurts is when I think about what my life is. I have been dieting for years. Fucking years. I hear all my friends talk about their futures and see bitches getting married or having kids and I have had to accept that those things wont happen to me. I’m not throwing a pity party, it’s just a reality. With my eating disorder the way that it is, I wont be able to make friends, I wont be able to date or have kids and what kills me the most is I know that I cant hold down a full time big girl job with this. It’s devastating to think about honestly and I am so pissed that I have this. But right now my eating disorder is at a point to where I don’t even have a choice anymore. Those with ED’s know exactly what I am talking about and those who don’t can suck my dick. You think this is all Sarah and it’s easy, let me follow you around for a day and talk to you like my ED talks to me and I promise you that you wont eat. I promise you that I would do some severe damage. We’d probably end up being roommates at the same rehab.
I wont say this person’s name but I got a present today. I wonderful present that every person with Anorexia must get: a fit bit. Because, naturally, if you know somebody that starves themselves, you should get them a weight loss tracker and tell them that you want to compete with your diet and exercise. How? Because your little bracelet can pair you up and be like “Hey…you walk more than this bitch HOORAY FOR YOU”.
Anywho, now I am on a group diet with people who know about my ED and this person is like “this is going to be so much fun to compete” And I’m over here thinking
I’m going to win bitch.
Lol forever. You may not think this situation is funny but I find it comical.
There you have it. A lovely update.