I have to go to the pool today and sadly, due to the fact that I am not a duggar, I have to wear a bathing suit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK. It’s not because I think I’m fat, that’s not the issue. I’ve accepted the fact that I cant see myself as what I truly look like but I do know that I am underweight so I don’t look fat to the world. The issue is I have to put on another badge of relapse. I like to pretend that my shorts falling down isn’t because of my weight loss and the fact that even my bras aren’t fitting is just because they are old. I like to play stupid, making up excuses for hiding behind my baggy clothes but I know the real reason why. And now, I have but on a bathing suit that I know wont fit.
It’s humiliating because I cant hide from the world like I did before. I cant be praised for weight loss and my body cant be ignored. Everybody fucking knows I’m anorexic and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
I keep telling myself that today is going to be different. Today I am going to eat, today I am going to be strong and today I am going to make people proud to have Sarah as a friend but it never works out that way. I never take into account that today I will be just as in my head as before. I don’t allow myself to realize that this miraculous new day will bring tears over eating a tortilla. It’s fucking stupid. I’m a 22 year old girl who is defeated by this disorder and all I want to do is be better. But better means living and it’s hard to fight for that when the thought of death is so….enticing.
Im trying though. Fuck am I trying. I eat when I can, I’m not self harming, or taking pills or even isolating. It’s not enough though, I have “wins” everyday but my body tells a different story.
Side note, I was creeping some bitch’s spotify and she had an anorexia playlist. Let me let you in on a little secret, 99% of eating disorder songs are fucking hilarious. They are so over dramatic and they are like “she just wants to fit in and have friends but she wont eat fa la la”. It’s great and if you like to smile and lol forever, I suggest you find a playlist because it’s so fucking funny. I realize this is a serious disorder but when you write your thoughts down and put a piano behind it, it gets a little too extra.
And that’s all I have to say about that.