I wish my disorder was more outwardly complex. The simplicity of the words “just eat” bring so much shame because the solution is rather basic. So you hate your life and you starve yourself? Accept your flaws, figure your life out and eat like everybody else. You like to purge but you don’t want to die from it? Then don’t. You want to love your life and you know that you need to change certain things? Fucking do it then. It’s true. I see the problems in my life, I know that I am miserable and my eating disorder has a lot to do with it so naturally, knowing that and knowing what I have to do to change that, then I should do it. It should be simple and it is simple but yet here I am, going through the same cycle over and over and over again.
And I know, I fucking know, that recovery or living with an eating disorder takes so much more than just eating like everybody else. I was in some sort of treatment from December to July so obviously there’s more to it then just eating. I wouldn’t have wasted money for something so basic. But I am sitting here, reliving the same day I have been for years now. Every second of every moment somehow consumed by food and exercise. I don’t know how to emphasis how mentally tolling an eating disorder has on your damn head, I’ve tried to think of metaphors or some thing to make it make sense but I have nothing. No matter what, it makes no fucking sense. I don’t eat and I make myself throw up. Why? Aint nobody like to vomit. 99% of the people I meet think of food as just that. Food. It’s so stupid if you boil it down. You don’t eat food? Are you afraid of breathing too? Do you cry at night know that while you sleep your repertory system will still be working?
Real talk with myself, I know that I will never be overweight. I know what weight my body will go to if I start eating normally again and it’s not ridiculously large at all. I know that my life would be better if I went back to an IOP or PHP program, I’d go back to school and graduate eventually and things would be better but I’m not bugging from where I am. I have proof that my life is better when I’m “nourished” because I’ve done it before. So why the hell am I so fucking hell bent on my eating disorder?
If the solution was more complex then I could forgive myself for having this. If the reason I couldn’t eat was because every third Tuesday my body became pollinated with some toxin in the air that only I am allergic to which caused a complete malfunction of my ability to eat and the only solution was to find a leprechaun and give him a bj by my local Circle K for it to stop, then I would have a legit problem. I have a shell card and I don’t trust people who are on cereal boxes so clearly, I couldn’t eat. It’s not my fault, it’s the things out of my control that wont allow me to get better.
It is my fault though and I cant run away from that. I didn’t decide to have an eating disorder but it feels like a decision on whether or not I want to get better. I do want to get better but I don’t but I do but then I really don’t . It’s such a simple solution with such power behind it that I guess I just cant do. So enjoy not making yourself throw up today and smile in the fact that you know you aren’t killing yourself. Hoo rah, you did and continue to do what I, for some reason, cant. If you want to trade lives, meet me by your grandmother’s mailbox, create a PSA for the prohibition of black tar herion, get freaky Friday fortune cookies, get some teenagers pregnant and then from there, our world’s will switch.